I try not to roll my eyes when talking to some well meaning person about 'what I do for a living' and 'whom I do it with', when with their hand on their heart and their eyes welling up with tears, they tell me what an angel I am, express marvel at my patience, or assert that they themselves could never do it though they know it must be incredibly rewarding. It angers, frustrates, and outright amazes me that when people see the people whom I work with, they see my humanity and not my client's, as if my client's humanity is shrouded by their disability. But I try not to roll my eyes. I try to respond in a way that is not pedantic or condescending because for whatever reason it is human nature for people to be frightened by those who are different, to prefer not to deal with the reality of their own mortality, to be generally uncomfortable in their own skins, and to feel confronted by the very physical world of disability. I understand that for the most part people mean well but feel confronted. And yes, disability can be very confrontational - even for people with disabilities, caring for people with disabilities, or working with people with disabilities.
Today I sat in my car sobbing after my initial consultation with KH because his story and his circumstances were confronting; because I already cared and wanted to help him but didn't know if I could, or where I would start. I'm telling you this because though I love what I do, sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is confronting because life and disability and disability services can be unfair, awful, and heart breaking. I've never really been good at the whole 'professional objectivity keep people at arms length thing' - and I accept that sometimes that means having very human, emotional gut responses to people that I meet, or things that happen in the lives of people I work with and genuinely care about.
On days like this I miss working with my very good friend and conductive mentor AB because we talked about this stuff; she validated my feelings of confrontation and was not afraid to show me hers - such a precious rarity in a senior professional and so important to my professional development. On days like these I think about how AB mentored me - no actually, how she conducted me - from these moments of professional despair back into our classroom refocussed and ready to confront what had confronted me.
I often try to imagine what AB would tell me in moments like those after I met KH today. AB would say "we have to try" no matter how impossible something seemed. If something we tried didn't work she would say "we have to keep trying until we find a way". Today when I told KH that I didn't know how far we would get but that I wanted to try, he typed out that he was expecting me to tell him that there was nothing that I could do, like everybody else told him and that he was happy to try.
If I told AB I wasn't sure if I could help someone, she would say "of course you don't know, you have't tried. But you are a conductor", she would say with pride, "we try, this is what we do". She is so right - though there may be similarities from one person to another, each person, each body, each disability is different. We improvise, we think on the fly, we make it up as we go along, and over time and with experience start to refine this 'trying'.
If I told AB I didn't know where to start, she would ask me about what KH could do, and would remind me to start there. Though I'm still not sure exactly how or where I will start with KH, I am amazed that in his 50 plus years of living with his brain injury he has found ways to manage as much as he has, and trust that he will show me where to start. AB would say "conductors don't have every answer, but that's ok if we keep looking -- this is what we have to teach the participants". Thinking about KH again, I remind myself that sometimes this is also what they teach us.
Today after I met KH, I sat in the car and sobbed -- it was confrontational and I was upset and I wanted to help but was scared. I think that we need to talk to each other about these feelings -- I believe that they are a very real part of being a conductor. I hope to be able to write something motivational and exciting about what conductive education has helped KH achieve sometime soon. But today I'm writing to tell you that though meeting KH was confrontational, upsetting, and caused me to doubt what I had to offer through conductive education, after my imaginary debrief with AB this afternoon I am ready, willing, and excited about the opportunity to try.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
A Little Hope Goes a Long Way
"For the first time in years I have hope" MR said this morning, after gliding beautifully up and down her hallway several times , swinging her arms and counting 1-2 as she stepped, stopping, correcting herself and starting again with control when she lost balance or stumbled. "I feel like I don't just have to cope with it by myself in my head, that there is something that I can do for myself and that I know what I can do instead of wondering if I can do this or should do that". MR is a single mom with multiple sclerosis (MS) whom I have been working with intensively with over the past several weeks through Phase 2 of the Enable Me Project. When I met her she was beside herself with depression and fear about her worsening walking and balance and not psychologically ready to look at a walking aid. She was completely isolated, only leaving the house to get her son to school and do the groceries because it was easier not to go anywhere than to risk falling.
Enable Me Phase 2 is a shorter initiative that was tacked on to the end of the Enable Me Project -- again investigating the same pro-active intervention opportunities but this time for a very different population. Where in Phase 1 the participants were elderly people living independently in the community, the participants in Phase 2 are already 'in the system'. They are people with disabilities that are already clients of Community Care Northern Beaches (the organization running the research project) either through Community Care's community living program or through their 'older parent carer' program. At first the case managers were not sure whether it would be appropriate to have a personal trainer involved with this population group, but the case manager that I worked under in Phase 1 argued my case, told them that I was 'specialized' and had experience in disability and told them what she could about Conductive Education. It helped that of all the clients in Phase 1, the ones who had the most success with 'personal training' were surprisingly the 'frailest' and most 'challenging' (translation - the people with chronic conditions such as stroke and back problems or early stage Parkinson's, or otherwise in the 'too hard' or 'nothing can be done' basket - exactly my cup of tea).
In Phase 2 of Enable Me -- so far -- I have been working with adults with MS, cerebral palsy, stroke, acquired brain injury, intellectual disability, autism, and pervasive anxiety disorder on a range of goals as varied as the individuals and conditions setting them. I am spending much more time as a conductor and continuing to test the boundaries of CE as an approach to working with people with and without motor disorders.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm glad for the tools of my personal training trade; MH has an acquired brain injury but her main goals are around fitness and weight loss; a few minutes of yoga are the difference between LE losing it completely or being able to recover and make it through the session after a massive panic attack; JW certainly has cerebral palsy but wants the strength to swim a lap of an olympic pool.
More importantly, I'm glad for the philosophical tools of my conductor trade from which I approach people. I'm glad that I can see the person and not just the problem; that I seek the why that underpins the what of their goals and that I value it; that I have the patience to wait for sometimes minute results and that I never get tired of wildly celebrating achievements large and small; that I appreciate the effort and determination it takes to stand up and try again and know to reward effort that when there are not positive results; that I know I need to equip people with flexible and dynamic tools which they can use and modify as and when needed instead of with a list of meaningless exercises to do every morning.
MR really did walk beautifully this morning; it was the best I have seen her walk in the 7 weeks we have been working together. She seemed to glide down her hallway, swinging her arms, stepping evenly while counting 1-2-1-2, stopping to make necessary corrections without me having to say anything. When I told her so she beamed with pride -- which certainly suits her better than the despair she wore when I first met her -- and told me that her daughter and her friend had both said her walking was looking better, and that she had been out to meet her girlfriend for lunch for the first time in months.
Enable Me Phase 2 is a shorter initiative that was tacked on to the end of the Enable Me Project -- again investigating the same pro-active intervention opportunities but this time for a very different population. Where in Phase 1 the participants were elderly people living independently in the community, the participants in Phase 2 are already 'in the system'. They are people with disabilities that are already clients of Community Care Northern Beaches (the organization running the research project) either through Community Care's community living program or through their 'older parent carer' program. At first the case managers were not sure whether it would be appropriate to have a personal trainer involved with this population group, but the case manager that I worked under in Phase 1 argued my case, told them that I was 'specialized' and had experience in disability and told them what she could about Conductive Education. It helped that of all the clients in Phase 1, the ones who had the most success with 'personal training' were surprisingly the 'frailest' and most 'challenging' (translation - the people with chronic conditions such as stroke and back problems or early stage Parkinson's, or otherwise in the 'too hard' or 'nothing can be done' basket - exactly my cup of tea).
In Phase 2 of Enable Me -- so far -- I have been working with adults with MS, cerebral palsy, stroke, acquired brain injury, intellectual disability, autism, and pervasive anxiety disorder on a range of goals as varied as the individuals and conditions setting them. I am spending much more time as a conductor and continuing to test the boundaries of CE as an approach to working with people with and without motor disorders.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm glad for the tools of my personal training trade; MH has an acquired brain injury but her main goals are around fitness and weight loss; a few minutes of yoga are the difference between LE losing it completely or being able to recover and make it through the session after a massive panic attack; JW certainly has cerebral palsy but wants the strength to swim a lap of an olympic pool.
More importantly, I'm glad for the philosophical tools of my conductor trade from which I approach people. I'm glad that I can see the person and not just the problem; that I seek the why that underpins the what of their goals and that I value it; that I have the patience to wait for sometimes minute results and that I never get tired of wildly celebrating achievements large and small; that I appreciate the effort and determination it takes to stand up and try again and know to reward effort that when there are not positive results; that I know I need to equip people with flexible and dynamic tools which they can use and modify as and when needed instead of with a list of meaningless exercises to do every morning.
MR really did walk beautifully this morning; it was the best I have seen her walk in the 7 weeks we have been working together. She seemed to glide down her hallway, swinging her arms, stepping evenly while counting 1-2-1-2, stopping to make necessary corrections without me having to say anything. When I told her so she beamed with pride -- which certainly suits her better than the despair she wore when I first met her -- and told me that her daughter and her friend had both said her walking was looking better, and that she had been out to meet her girlfriend for lunch for the first time in months.
I'm glad that I could teach MR some core strengthening exercises that she could practice on the swiss ball. I'm really glad that because of Conductive Education I knew enough about MS and ataxia to be able to help MR with her walking and could help her make sense of her ataxia. I'm most glad that because of the way that CE has taught me to approach people I knew that the pride and sense of achievement I saw on MR's face was more important than the fluency of her walking, and that the real achievement was not that she walked well enough that her friend noticed but that she had the confidence to go out and to meet her friend. And I'm over the moon ecstatic that for the first time in years she has hope because my years in Conductive Education have taught me that hope is transformational; it influences potential and outcome long after a person stops 'doing CE' because that person believes in possibility and in herself again.
MR will be discharged from Enable Me next week. I would worry, but I know that she leaves with a pocketful of tricks and techniques, and enough hope to know that it is worth using them.
MR will be discharged from Enable Me next week. I would worry, but I know that she leaves with a pocketful of tricks and techniques, and enough hope to know that it is worth using them.
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan
Thursday, September 22, 2011
A letter to my personal trainer alter ego from my inner fat kid
I have been battling my little demons for the past several weeks; having ridiculous and self defeating conversations in my head, hashing through everything over and over again. Avoiding mirrors, not feeling good in my clothes let alone my skin, not wanting to be at the gym, sabotaging my efforts to get back in the saddle. I was home for a few weeks; I had mentally prepared for a few weeks of being out of my workout routine and made good on my commitment to myself and to my personal trainer about being sensible about food choices most of the time and having a few guilt free holiday indulgences. I did not plan for a random shoulder injury and a few more weeks out of the gym when I got back here while I rehabbed, and I lost it a bit. Food cravings creeping back in out of nowhere; week night sneaky drinks; cheat weekends instead of cheat meals. A couple of kilos -- and no, not muscle gain; not gaining brain weight from added wisdom -- a percentage or three more body fat. In the grand scheme of things no tsunami or war or sudden loss of a loved one I keep reminding myself but in my personal and private little hell it has been frustrating and devastating.
I usually have a darn tooting good attitude about myself as a personal trainer -- my clients see me go up and down and know that I'm human, and know that I understrand their struggle because from my personal experience I know how hard it is. Been there, done that, bought the x-large t-shirt, worked hard and figured out what worked for me, traded it in for a med t-shirt, now take my hand, I can help you do the same. In fact I have had many referrals through the gym from people asking after 'the not skinny trainer' -- and I have had good giggles with another trainer whom I work with who is a champion figure sculpter, we know our physiques attract clients to our business for very different reasons. But when I am in a negative headspace, when my inner fat kid waddles to the surface of my conscious mind it all stops being funny. Before I was a personal trainer I could go to the gym and throw around the weights to escape; put on my grumpy training face and my invisibility cloak and workout in the anonymous comfort of my little world. As a trainer I can't be invisible; I can't even be grumpy. And when I am indulging my inner fat kid I don't want to work out, feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, feel hypocritical working with my weight loss clients, see myself through the fat kid's warping mirrors and round and round we go on the merry-go-round of self destruction -- weeeeeeee.
I have finally backed my inner fat kid into a corner and am feeling considerably better; life is back in perspective, I am eating well and training again -- heck I can even get through my affirmations and gratitudes without argument or interruption from that nasty fat kid in my head. But DF said I should publish this because people will relate, and HH said I should finish writing it to help me get it out of my system -- both are wise women, both have battled themselves on many an occasion, and both will have to accept my edited version because some of the things that my inner fat kid was saying don't deserve to be published.
Fat Kid - Hey PT Lisa, can I talk to you, I'm having a rough time over here
PT Lisa - Oh no, not you again. Hey don't you have a personal trainer? Can't you talk to Chris about this?
Fat Kid - Yeah but I can't talk to him -- I'm too embarrassed; I'm sure he's already seen me all fat again and is already disappointed, and he'll just say let's get back into it and I can't train with him until I'm already back into it and I don't want to let him down...
PT Lisa - Hmmmm -- as I recall Chris is always supportive and amazing when you talk to him. Can't you talk to Alexander? I'm sure I heard him call you beautiful today, he'll make you feel better?
Fat Kid - He's just saying that to make me feel better and anyway I tried -- but I'm just making him crazy and besides he doesn't understand, he just has to look at a gym and he is perfect. It's easy for him.
PT Lisa - Wow. Not even Alexander eh? I guess I can go through this with you for the millionth time. Sighs. Hang on a minute -- I'm going to need a strong coffee before I deal with you
Fat Kid - Skip the coffee -- let's go for beer or ice cream -- I know a good place. I'm over this; I'm tired of fighting with myself, I'm tired of falling off the wagon and having to get back on, maybe I'll just give up the gym and the lifestyle and the personal training and open a gourmet ice-creamery
PT Lisa - That's not very helpful now, is it. It's not really what you want, you are no longer at home when you are the Fat Kid -- it you were you would be happy and wouldn't be harassing me in the middle of the night. And besides, you know you get sick when you eat ice cream these days. What do you really want?
Fat Kid - I want to get to a point where a few weeks doesn't matter this much, where I don't fall off this badly and do this much damage, where the years of work don't get chucked in the bin by a few weeks of being off of my game. I want it to be easy.
PT Lisa - You know it is simple, but will never be easy. It will always come down to daily habits, daily choices, food and lifestyle. It will always be a fight, a balancing act between lifestyle and indulgence, and sometimes indulgence will literally tip the scales and you will have to get the balance back. It would be easier if you could keep your attitude in check...
Fat Kid - Hey! There's nothing wrong with my attitude! It's just not fair, that's all. Why should I have to 'fight to get the balance back' when other people can just cruise.
PT Lisa - Reality check. Life's not fair. And of all the unfair things life can deal, really Fat Kid, really?
Fat Kid - I know. I know. Reneg. That was pathetic, even for me.
PT Lisa - You know what will make you feel better?
Fat Kid - Yes. No. Don't say it. You are going to tell me to go to the gym or have a salad with flaxseed oil or something
PT Lisa - Wow. You really are not ready to take this on -- maybe we should do this another time?
Fat Kid - Yeah sure, maybe next week or next month. But you better give me your credit card cause by then I'll need to buy a closet of fat clothes and a few tubs of ice cream.
PT Lisa - Nothing wrong with your attitude at all -- carry on. I'm out of here
Fat Kid - No wait. Sorry. I'm listening. What will make me feel better?
PT Lisa - Other than a workout and a salad with flaxseed oil?
Fat Kid - Ha ha!
PT Lisa - Get out of your head; give yourself a break from you for a few minutes or even a few days. Do things that make you happy, relax, walk on the beach, laugh, have fun, lay off. Stop being so nasty to yourself, be kind, be where you are, clear your head, and decide where you are going, gear yourself up and as HH said get the motivation and the headspace and the goal back in line. Get back on the wagon. And for heaven's sake stop busting Alexander's balls, and call Chris and ask for help. Work on your affirmations, work on your headspace and the rest of you will follow.
Fat Kid - (getting teary)
PT Lisa - But first crank this song, dance around like a lunatic, and for heaven's sake smile! (This is for all the bum chums and sisters out there)
I usually have a darn tooting good attitude about myself as a personal trainer -- my clients see me go up and down and know that I'm human, and know that I understrand their struggle because from my personal experience I know how hard it is. Been there, done that, bought the x-large t-shirt, worked hard and figured out what worked for me, traded it in for a med t-shirt, now take my hand, I can help you do the same. In fact I have had many referrals through the gym from people asking after 'the not skinny trainer' -- and I have had good giggles with another trainer whom I work with who is a champion figure sculpter, we know our physiques attract clients to our business for very different reasons. But when I am in a negative headspace, when my inner fat kid waddles to the surface of my conscious mind it all stops being funny. Before I was a personal trainer I could go to the gym and throw around the weights to escape; put on my grumpy training face and my invisibility cloak and workout in the anonymous comfort of my little world. As a trainer I can't be invisible; I can't even be grumpy. And when I am indulging my inner fat kid I don't want to work out, feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, feel hypocritical working with my weight loss clients, see myself through the fat kid's warping mirrors and round and round we go on the merry-go-round of self destruction -- weeeeeeee.
I have finally backed my inner fat kid into a corner and am feeling considerably better; life is back in perspective, I am eating well and training again -- heck I can even get through my affirmations and gratitudes without argument or interruption from that nasty fat kid in my head. But DF said I should publish this because people will relate, and HH said I should finish writing it to help me get it out of my system -- both are wise women, both have battled themselves on many an occasion, and both will have to accept my edited version because some of the things that my inner fat kid was saying don't deserve to be published.
Fat Kid - Hey PT Lisa, can I talk to you, I'm having a rough time over here
PT Lisa - Oh no, not you again. Hey don't you have a personal trainer? Can't you talk to Chris about this?
Fat Kid - Yeah but I can't talk to him -- I'm too embarrassed; I'm sure he's already seen me all fat again and is already disappointed, and he'll just say let's get back into it and I can't train with him until I'm already back into it and I don't want to let him down...
PT Lisa - Hmmmm -- as I recall Chris is always supportive and amazing when you talk to him. Can't you talk to Alexander? I'm sure I heard him call you beautiful today, he'll make you feel better?
Fat Kid - He's just saying that to make me feel better and anyway I tried -- but I'm just making him crazy and besides he doesn't understand, he just has to look at a gym and he is perfect. It's easy for him.
PT Lisa - Wow. Not even Alexander eh? I guess I can go through this with you for the millionth time. Sighs. Hang on a minute -- I'm going to need a strong coffee before I deal with you
Fat Kid - Skip the coffee -- let's go for beer or ice cream -- I know a good place. I'm over this; I'm tired of fighting with myself, I'm tired of falling off the wagon and having to get back on, maybe I'll just give up the gym and the lifestyle and the personal training and open a gourmet ice-creamery
PT Lisa - That's not very helpful now, is it. It's not really what you want, you are no longer at home when you are the Fat Kid -- it you were you would be happy and wouldn't be harassing me in the middle of the night. And besides, you know you get sick when you eat ice cream these days. What do you really want?
Fat Kid - I want to get to a point where a few weeks doesn't matter this much, where I don't fall off this badly and do this much damage, where the years of work don't get chucked in the bin by a few weeks of being off of my game. I want it to be easy.
PT Lisa - You know it is simple, but will never be easy. It will always come down to daily habits, daily choices, food and lifestyle. It will always be a fight, a balancing act between lifestyle and indulgence, and sometimes indulgence will literally tip the scales and you will have to get the balance back. It would be easier if you could keep your attitude in check...
Fat Kid - Hey! There's nothing wrong with my attitude! It's just not fair, that's all. Why should I have to 'fight to get the balance back' when other people can just cruise.
PT Lisa - Reality check. Life's not fair. And of all the unfair things life can deal, really Fat Kid, really?
Fat Kid - I know. I know. Reneg. That was pathetic, even for me.
PT Lisa - You know what will make you feel better?
Fat Kid - Yes. No. Don't say it. You are going to tell me to go to the gym or have a salad with flaxseed oil or something
PT Lisa - Wow. You really are not ready to take this on -- maybe we should do this another time?
Fat Kid - Yeah sure, maybe next week or next month. But you better give me your credit card cause by then I'll need to buy a closet of fat clothes and a few tubs of ice cream.
PT Lisa - Nothing wrong with your attitude at all -- carry on. I'm out of here
Fat Kid - No wait. Sorry. I'm listening. What will make me feel better?
PT Lisa - Other than a workout and a salad with flaxseed oil?
Fat Kid - Ha ha!
PT Lisa - Get out of your head; give yourself a break from you for a few minutes or even a few days. Do things that make you happy, relax, walk on the beach, laugh, have fun, lay off. Stop being so nasty to yourself, be kind, be where you are, clear your head, and decide where you are going, gear yourself up and as HH said get the motivation and the headspace and the goal back in line. Get back on the wagon. And for heaven's sake stop busting Alexander's balls, and call Chris and ask for help. Work on your affirmations, work on your headspace and the rest of you will follow.
Fat Kid - (getting teary)
PT Lisa - But first crank this song, dance around like a lunatic, and for heaven's sake smile! (This is for all the bum chums and sisters out there)
"Don't write a check with your mouth that you can't cash with your ass"
Wise man from 'Sucker Punch'
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Winds of Change
Ready for some stream of consciousness and random thoughts? I figured I'd better warn you that this is going to be one of those blog postings...
The winds of change are blowing -- I can smell them, I can taste them, and my skin prickles with anticipation as the familiar winds gentle tug at me. C'mon Lisa; let's go they whisper. I feel like a happy dog with his head out the window of the car, catching so many different scents and sensations, looking and sniffing around, not quite sure where to look or what smell belongs to what. Like a kid at an amusement park overstimulated and excited but not sure which ride to go on next.
So many of my big decisions in life, especially in my professional life, have been made by me being privileged enough to be able to act on amazing opportunities that have popped up at perfect times; volunteer here, go to school there, take a job here. Over the past few years I have been more active in creating these opportunities for myself -- I love what I do, how can I create a work environment that works for me, this isn't working, try this, tell the universe what you want, give more than you've got, put it out there, and try not to be too surprised when once you've put it out there it seems to happen. I said I feel like a happy dog with his head out the window -- I have had a very good few years out here on my own, working for myself, living the dream, a successful business, a diverse and rewarding practice. I'm happy, I'm fulfilled, but I can smell these winds of change all around me, I can feel them teasingly messing my hair as they mess with my mind. And they've been blowing for a few months now. C'mon Lisa; let's go. Where? What? Why now, universe, I'm happy?
Some interesting and tempting job offers -- including an opportunity to work alongside AJ, an amazing conductor and friend whom I love and respect. But the timing hasn't been right; the path hasn't been clear for me to grab these opportunities and run with them.
I've just had a few weeks off, a wilderness camping trip in the Canadian Rockies with my partner in crime AR, a few weeks at home with my family. The plan was to come back with a plan for what next. But AR, and the mountains, and my niece were all a bit distracting, AR in particular, who totally threw me off guard by proposing! And now I've come back, and am trying to settle in but that wind of change is flirting with me.
There has been stuff and politics going on at the gym where I'm based and though it hasn't affected me directly I'm looking at other places where CE and my business (Transformations: Personal Training for Every Body) can better flourish. As scheduled, the Enable Me research project will come to an end in December so I will have time to move in different directions. I would like to remain allied and to work in support of Fighting Chance -- though they have shifted focus away from funding private intervention they remain committed to CE and their new ventures are nothing short of jaw droppingly awesome. And the NDIS promises to radically reform the disability service industry in Australia. And, an old comrade (JB - the manager who hired me to come out to Australia back in 2003) called to give me some important news -- CE run by conductors will be funded by the "Better Start Early Years" funding initiative -- seriously?!?! -- government funded CE in Australia?!?! totally out of the blue awesome again! The entire document is worth reading but if your attention span prefers, the CE mention is on page 9: http://www.fahcsia.gov.au/sa/disability/progserv/people/betterstart/Documents/operational_guidelines_spp.pdf
I only have vague understanding of the implications of these opportunities; I have ideas; I can see the forest but I'm one for counting the trees and the whole picture and the details are just not there yet. And as patience is my missing virtue, it is hard to sit back and let things fall into place, especially when that wind is blowing; like I said, a happy dog, with his head out the window, sniffing out opportunities. Like a kid at an amusement park, excited and overstimulated, ready to get off of this ride and onto the next but not patient enough to wait in line. C'mon Lisa. Let's go.
The winds of change are blowing -- I can smell them, I can taste them, and my skin prickles with anticipation as the familiar winds gentle tug at me. C'mon Lisa; let's go they whisper. I feel like a happy dog with his head out the window of the car, catching so many different scents and sensations, looking and sniffing around, not quite sure where to look or what smell belongs to what. Like a kid at an amusement park overstimulated and excited but not sure which ride to go on next.
So many of my big decisions in life, especially in my professional life, have been made by me being privileged enough to be able to act on amazing opportunities that have popped up at perfect times; volunteer here, go to school there, take a job here. Over the past few years I have been more active in creating these opportunities for myself -- I love what I do, how can I create a work environment that works for me, this isn't working, try this, tell the universe what you want, give more than you've got, put it out there, and try not to be too surprised when once you've put it out there it seems to happen. I said I feel like a happy dog with his head out the window -- I have had a very good few years out here on my own, working for myself, living the dream, a successful business, a diverse and rewarding practice. I'm happy, I'm fulfilled, but I can smell these winds of change all around me, I can feel them teasingly messing my hair as they mess with my mind. And they've been blowing for a few months now. C'mon Lisa; let's go. Where? What? Why now, universe, I'm happy?
Some interesting and tempting job offers -- including an opportunity to work alongside AJ, an amazing conductor and friend whom I love and respect. But the timing hasn't been right; the path hasn't been clear for me to grab these opportunities and run with them.
I've just had a few weeks off, a wilderness camping trip in the Canadian Rockies with my partner in crime AR, a few weeks at home with my family. The plan was to come back with a plan for what next. But AR, and the mountains, and my niece were all a bit distracting, AR in particular, who totally threw me off guard by proposing! And now I've come back, and am trying to settle in but that wind of change is flirting with me.
There has been stuff and politics going on at the gym where I'm based and though it hasn't affected me directly I'm looking at other places where CE and my business (Transformations: Personal Training for Every Body) can better flourish. As scheduled, the Enable Me research project will come to an end in December so I will have time to move in different directions. I would like to remain allied and to work in support of Fighting Chance -- though they have shifted focus away from funding private intervention they remain committed to CE and their new ventures are nothing short of jaw droppingly awesome. And the NDIS promises to radically reform the disability service industry in Australia. And, an old comrade (JB - the manager who hired me to come out to Australia back in 2003) called to give me some important news -- CE run by conductors will be funded by the "Better Start Early Years" funding initiative -- seriously?!?! -- government funded CE in Australia?!?! totally out of the blue awesome again! The entire document is worth reading but if your attention span prefers, the CE mention is on page 9: http://www.fahcsia.gov.au/sa/disability/progserv/people/betterstart/Documents/operational_guidelines_spp.pdf
I only have vague understanding of the implications of these opportunities; I have ideas; I can see the forest but I'm one for counting the trees and the whole picture and the details are just not there yet. And as patience is my missing virtue, it is hard to sit back and let things fall into place, especially when that wind is blowing; like I said, a happy dog, with his head out the window, sniffing out opportunities. Like a kid at an amusement park, excited and overstimulated, ready to get off of this ride and onto the next but not patient enough to wait in line. C'mon Lisa. Let's go.
"This indecision's bugging me..."
--The Clash
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Always look on the bright side of life..."
Dear Shane --
I've just come home from your funeral -- I have to say, you would have loved it. There were so many people there that the entire side courtyard beside where there service was was filled, and people were sitting in the aisle and standing in the vestibule. Your mom kept busy consoling everyone else and taking care of KD. She managed to find a wonderful celebrant who made people laugh and smile. Jordy and the other readers read pieces that reflected your humour and spirit. The eulogies from Laura and your Auntie Joanne were full of beautiful 'Shane-isms' that reminded everyone about what is important in life, about what knowing you helped us know, and people laughed out loud through their tears and applauded the speakers. And even special little treats to make a conductor happy -- Eddie walking all of the way to the front to place his flower, CW and KD driving their chairs independently again. And, thank you very much Shane and James Valentine, I'm still singing "always look on the bright side side of life" -- and if I'm singing it so should everyone else, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ
Beautiful music, beautiful music.
At the end of the service the celebrant spoke about how one of the things that grieving people do is give themselves a hard time about would haves and could haves and should haves -- and it is so true. Earlier this week I found myself wondering if there was something I could have taught you through CE that would have made a difference, that could have helped you. I spoke to KD, who was also giving herself a hard time, and consoled myself while I consoled her. It isn't about what would have and could have and should have been done, there is no fault or blame; it was your time. We are saddened; so very very saddened; but as you would have wished, today our hearts were filled with love and joy as were were reminded how precious life is.
The celebrant urged us to remember and to share -- and I found myself remembering our time together in CE -- you and your mom and Jordy and Greg and Rebecca and me rolling around on the floor, you directing traffic and trying to stay out of the way to avoid being crushed as we all tried to figure how to get Greg back on his back; you and Greg laughing at me in my twisted yoga positions trying to facilitate between you both at the same time, the sessions when it was just you and your mom and me, with you teaching us both how to facilitate certain movements and stretches, and telling us to push more and reassuring us that we weren't hurting you. I found myself remembering the mature, adult conversation we had when you told me that you knew that you could still benefit from CE, but after a long day of bus rides and CAS, and with your cough being what it was, you weren't looking forward to CE in the evenings, and that you found Bowen more beneficial because you could relax with it. I agreed that taking a break was probably the best thing. And then we had a hilarious 'discussion' about who would be the one to have to tell your Mom.
And I thought about Fighting Chance http://www.fightingchance.net.au/home.html -- a charity set up in memorandum of your dad and now your legacy -- 'because everyone deserves a fighting chance'. I hope you know how many people have already been helped and how many more people will be helped because your mom and loves you so much that she is willing to fight to make the world a better place for other people and their families; her love for you extends far beyond you and allows her to empathize, reach out to, and love so many others. I am so grateful that through you and CE I have found myself included in this embrace -- she is an amazing woman Shane. Please keep an eye on her from wherever you are. Some people wonder how they can possibly make a difference, get overwhelmed, and end up doing nothing -- but not your mom Shane -- she loves you so much that she moves mountains while everyone else stands around wondering if there is a pebble small enough that they can throw. And with Jordy and Laura fighting at her side the vastness of your legacy is still to be seen. Today at your funeral, in true civil riot spirit, we sang "we shall overcome" -- and as we were reminded to support Fighting Chance and Kairos I, like so many others in the room, felt my commitment to you, to your family, and to your legacy Fighting Chance.
I've just come home from your funeral -- I have to say, you would have loved it. There were so many people there that the entire side courtyard beside where there service was was filled, and people were sitting in the aisle and standing in the vestibule. Your mom kept busy consoling everyone else and taking care of KD. She managed to find a wonderful celebrant who made people laugh and smile. Jordy and the other readers read pieces that reflected your humour and spirit. The eulogies from Laura and your Auntie Joanne were full of beautiful 'Shane-isms' that reminded everyone about what is important in life, about what knowing you helped us know, and people laughed out loud through their tears and applauded the speakers. And even special little treats to make a conductor happy -- Eddie walking all of the way to the front to place his flower, CW and KD driving their chairs independently again. And, thank you very much Shane and James Valentine, I'm still singing "always look on the bright side side of life" -- and if I'm singing it so should everyone else, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ
Beautiful music, beautiful music.
At the end of the service the celebrant spoke about how one of the things that grieving people do is give themselves a hard time about would haves and could haves and should haves -- and it is so true. Earlier this week I found myself wondering if there was something I could have taught you through CE that would have made a difference, that could have helped you. I spoke to KD, who was also giving herself a hard time, and consoled myself while I consoled her. It isn't about what would have and could have and should have been done, there is no fault or blame; it was your time. We are saddened; so very very saddened; but as you would have wished, today our hearts were filled with love and joy as were were reminded how precious life is.
The celebrant urged us to remember and to share -- and I found myself remembering our time together in CE -- you and your mom and Jordy and Greg and Rebecca and me rolling around on the floor, you directing traffic and trying to stay out of the way to avoid being crushed as we all tried to figure how to get Greg back on his back; you and Greg laughing at me in my twisted yoga positions trying to facilitate between you both at the same time, the sessions when it was just you and your mom and me, with you teaching us both how to facilitate certain movements and stretches, and telling us to push more and reassuring us that we weren't hurting you. I found myself remembering the mature, adult conversation we had when you told me that you knew that you could still benefit from CE, but after a long day of bus rides and CAS, and with your cough being what it was, you weren't looking forward to CE in the evenings, and that you found Bowen more beneficial because you could relax with it. I agreed that taking a break was probably the best thing. And then we had a hilarious 'discussion' about who would be the one to have to tell your Mom.
And I thought about Fighting Chance http://www.fightingchance.net.au/home.html -- a charity set up in memorandum of your dad and now your legacy -- 'because everyone deserves a fighting chance'. I hope you know how many people have already been helped and how many more people will be helped because your mom and loves you so much that she is willing to fight to make the world a better place for other people and their families; her love for you extends far beyond you and allows her to empathize, reach out to, and love so many others. I am so grateful that through you and CE I have found myself included in this embrace -- she is an amazing woman Shane. Please keep an eye on her from wherever you are. Some people wonder how they can possibly make a difference, get overwhelmed, and end up doing nothing -- but not your mom Shane -- she loves you so much that she moves mountains while everyone else stands around wondering if there is a pebble small enough that they can throw. And with Jordy and Laura fighting at her side the vastness of your legacy is still to be seen. Today at your funeral, in true civil riot spirit, we sang "we shall overcome" -- and as we were reminded to support Fighting Chance and Kairos I, like so many others in the room, felt my commitment to you, to your family, and to your legacy Fighting Chance.
"Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be it yours to hold high."
-- John McCrae
I'm heading home to visit my family in Canada tomorrow -- I was so sad to say goodbye to you today Shane, but I am so glad that I could be at your funeral. You have reminded me to hug everyone just a little bit longer and to enjoy every precious moment. So Shane, since you loved music so much, here is some Canadian music for you. This Neil Young song always makes me homesick but in a nice way -- ..."dream, comfort, memory to spare, and in my mind I still need a place to go, all of my changes were there...". For me, it is about the sweet pain of memory, and about coming home, and about change, and about embracing the helplessness we all feel about life sometimes; when K.D. Lang first sang it, it was because Neil Young was sick and she was filling in for him. In her introduction she talks about him as someone who has maintained his integrity and his uncompromising vision and purity -- in this spirit I dedicate it to you and to your Mom.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Unsweetable
This was meant as a response to Andrew Sutton's post on Conductive World -- but I got excited, wrote too much for it to be an acceptable response length, and have decided to repost it here. Please see Andrew's original posting and hopefully you will find further discussion here:
Conductive Education: who is it for? -- Andrew Sutton
Conductive Education: who is it for? -- Andrew Sutton
In terms of suitability -- or sweetability -- I agree completely. For me it has never been about whether a person is or is not 'suitable' for CE, but I feel that it is appropriate to ask whether for a particular person and in that particular instance CE is appropriate for them.
For example
1. There are some people that are looking for 'a magic pill' -- and whether or not the conductor feels that the person can learn and benefit that person might choose to continue to pursue their miracle elsewhere when they realize that CE involves hard work over time.
2. Just because CE has been right for a person at sometime in their life doesn't mean that it is always right for them -- people have to choose depending on where they are at whether they want to work this way. In fact Shane, Sue O'Reilly's son said that he preferred Bowen therapy for now because he wanted something gently and relaxing not something that required him to work hard when he was unwell and tired. He will be welcome back if he chooses later, and maybe I'll learn something from Shane about Bowen
3. Sometimes, for whatever reason the relationship between the conductor and the participant is not conducive to a productive, positive environment for either person. If there are 10 conductors and lots of options in the schedule there might be an other solution, but when you are running a small program by yourself accommodating a person might not be viable. I have had people refuse to work with me or with other conductors; I have had a person that none of the conductors would work with because he was so vulgar and inappropriate.
There are other factors too -- everyone might be suitable for CE, or as I prefer to say CE might be appropriate for everyone, but I think that conductors should have the choice to say 'this is where my comfort zone is, this is where my experience is, this is where I know I can be successful'. CE might be suitable for everyone, but conductors tend to be specialized and that shouldn't be a judgement on their practice. That said, oddly enough, I have had a lot of criticism from conductors senior to myself because I have 'specialized' in the 'weird and wonderful' or the 'too hard basket'
I'm quite proud to say that in my time as a conductor I have only twice said 'no' to trying with somebody. One was a man in his mid nineties with advanced Parkinson's and rapidly progressing Alzheimer's who was not only blind and deaf, but also had never been English speaking. Had I met this family now, with my practice being private and more outreach based I would have offered to work with him and the family in their home but I did not think my classroom environment was appropriate. The other was a young man with late stage leukodystrophy malacia. I remember him and his mother clearly as if I had met them yesterday although it was 10 years ago. I couldn't make contact with him, couldn't get a response, had no idea where to start, was terrified of the mother's desperation and conviction that he was still there, and as you said Andrew, I had no idea where to start or what to do. In my inexperience I told that mother that CE wasn't suitable for him and I instantly regretted it and still feel guilty about not trying, and again now, with the option to work with him in his home I would like to think that I would try.
In terms of 'assessment' - I don't assess, I consult. I meet with a person, let them get a feel for me, try to see where they are at, see what they are looking for, work out where to start, what I will need, establish the relationship and build trust, collect relevant information. I never charge for consultations -- in private practice people are spending a lot of money for my time and need the consultation as much as I do to decide if CE is 'suitable', if I am the right person for them at that moment.
As you know, I also work as a personal trainer, and I have the opportunity to 'conduct' able-bodied and elderly people. Sometimes this occurs subtly -- which to be honest is nice; I don't have to try to explain what CE is, I just approach a person or their session differently. I also have able bodied gym clients who have taken an interest in CE, 'my other life', who I discuss pedagogy and CE with, who immediately pick up that I 'CE' them, and like it. It is actually incredibly interesting and amazing to see what it is like to teach movement and problem solving to people not restricted by motor disorder -- it helps me understand things better regarding motor disorder. People give me words like -- 'I just don't feel confident' and I better understand the role of thinking and perceiving in skilled movement
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
More about Conducting "Enable Me"
I know that my role in the "Enable Me" project is personal trainer / exercise lady. However, I have been switching hats a lot lately -- mid session and discreetly taking my personal trainer hat off and slipping my conductor hat back on, barely stopping to notice how comfortable it feels, but noticing the change in my tone, the way sets and repetitions of exercises give way to rhythmically intended tasks, the subtle stylistic changes in the way the session is delivered. The people I work with in this project are in their eighties -- if they notice the hat change they don't react though they certainly respond. Whether what I am doing would look and sound normal in a CE group but seem a bit odd in the gym is irrelevant to these people for whom the concept of a personal trainer is as foreign as that of a conductor.
Don't get me wrong -- I am passionate about how valuable exercise is for people of all ages and abilities and firmly believe that exercise helps people stay strong and healthy and can actually intervene with what is often presumed to be an inevitable part of the ageing process. But there are times when what is needed and what is more appropriate in a given moment or over a few weeks of working with a particular person is Conductive Education -- the learning, the structured approach to problem solving, the way of breaking complex movements into manageable segments, practicing them, and stringing them back together as fluent, purposeful movement, the use of speech and rhythm and intention and motivation as facilitation -- in other words the unique tricks specific to the conductive trade.
Mr LH's file says that he has had a frozen shoulder, has had a few falls, and has mild cognitive decline. In reality Mr LH's movement and cognition is characteristic of something in the Parkinson's plus family of conditions -- I of course wouldn't try to guess or diagnose, that is certainly not my role, but I am pleased that the case manager and physiotherapist accept my experience based hunch that there is something neuro-motoric going on and have written a letter that Mr LH can take to his GP recommending further investigation. I am even more pleased that Mr LH has spontaneously started rhythmically saying tasks and counting with me (it is often hard for me to get people to count and say tasks in individual sessions, especially if they have not experienced the power of rhythmical intention in a CE group); I am even more pleased that when he counts he can walk and swing his arms and get up from a chair and coordinate complex movements. I hope -- as I often do about my 'hunches' -- that I am wrong and that there is no neuro-motor disorder creeping in. Without my training and experience as a conductor I would have no entry point for working with Mr LH -- I wouldn't know where to start.
Mr GL had a major stroke 15 years ago -- at the time he was fit and healthy and his stroke baffled his medical team and shocked Mr GL and his family. The 'Enable Me' case manager wasn't sure if this was something a personal trainer should be involved in and called to chat with me about how frail Mr GL was and about his increased risk of falls. I reminded her that I had many years of experience working with people after strokes in my previous life as a conductor. Today Mr GL and I had our first session -- within minutes it felt like we had been working together for years. I knew right away which tasks would work and what tricks to start him with, where to put my hands, where to push him, what it must have felt like for him to have his posture and symmetry and weight bearing corrected after 16 years. I saw his eyes light up when he conquered a task that moments ago had seemed impossible -- a few moments and a little conductive magic make a big difference when those moments are spent practicing and learning to apply nifty little CE tricks.
There have been a lot of people in the 'Enable Me' program that have been deemed too frail for personal training and who have instead received physiotherapy only instead of a combined approach -- there are a lot of people in the 'Enable Me' program that I would have been able to help if I had been given the chance to work with them. I got the contract with the 'Enable Me' program because of my work as a Conductor -- somebody whom I used to work with at the local cerebral palsy centre referred me and people involved with the program saw me working at the gym with people in wheelchairs. But I am contracted as a personal trainer, and what I bring to the table as a conductor is not fully understood or recognized, and therefore opportunities to help people as a conductor have been missed. At this point I do not believe that Conductive Education will even get a mention when the reports about the 'Enable Me' project are written up. I hope I can correct this but I am just not certain it will happen. I wish that when the contract was negotiated I had had the guts to stand up for Conductive Education instead of just being glad for the opportunity to take part.
Over and over and over again I hear people relate the advice they have been given by well meaning professionals -- 'you have CP / MS / PD / stroke / old age / whatever, there is nothing that can be done, accept it'. That is just not how we think in Conductive Education -- because I am a conductor I have a place to start and a unique bag of tricks and conductive magic, but more importantly I have a conductive attitude that makes me believe that there is always something that can be done, something that can be learned, that it is worth trying, so I do start, and start again, and try something new if one thing doesn't work. I'd like to think that I am the same when I am wearing my personal training hat -- and I know that if I am it is because that conductive attitude is so much a part of me now, or because no matter what role I'm in, I'm always wearing my conductor hat.
http://195.122.253.112/public/mp3/Beatles/14%20Let%20It%20Be/The%20Beatles%20-%20Let%20It%20Be%20-%2010%20The%20Long%20And%20Winding%20Road.mp3
Don't get me wrong -- I am passionate about how valuable exercise is for people of all ages and abilities and firmly believe that exercise helps people stay strong and healthy and can actually intervene with what is often presumed to be an inevitable part of the ageing process. But there are times when what is needed and what is more appropriate in a given moment or over a few weeks of working with a particular person is Conductive Education -- the learning, the structured approach to problem solving, the way of breaking complex movements into manageable segments, practicing them, and stringing them back together as fluent, purposeful movement, the use of speech and rhythm and intention and motivation as facilitation -- in other words the unique tricks specific to the conductive trade.
Mr LH's file says that he has had a frozen shoulder, has had a few falls, and has mild cognitive decline. In reality Mr LH's movement and cognition is characteristic of something in the Parkinson's plus family of conditions -- I of course wouldn't try to guess or diagnose, that is certainly not my role, but I am pleased that the case manager and physiotherapist accept my experience based hunch that there is something neuro-motoric going on and have written a letter that Mr LH can take to his GP recommending further investigation. I am even more pleased that Mr LH has spontaneously started rhythmically saying tasks and counting with me (it is often hard for me to get people to count and say tasks in individual sessions, especially if they have not experienced the power of rhythmical intention in a CE group); I am even more pleased that when he counts he can walk and swing his arms and get up from a chair and coordinate complex movements. I hope -- as I often do about my 'hunches' -- that I am wrong and that there is no neuro-motor disorder creeping in. Without my training and experience as a conductor I would have no entry point for working with Mr LH -- I wouldn't know where to start.
Mr GL had a major stroke 15 years ago -- at the time he was fit and healthy and his stroke baffled his medical team and shocked Mr GL and his family. The 'Enable Me' case manager wasn't sure if this was something a personal trainer should be involved in and called to chat with me about how frail Mr GL was and about his increased risk of falls. I reminded her that I had many years of experience working with people after strokes in my previous life as a conductor. Today Mr GL and I had our first session -- within minutes it felt like we had been working together for years. I knew right away which tasks would work and what tricks to start him with, where to put my hands, where to push him, what it must have felt like for him to have his posture and symmetry and weight bearing corrected after 16 years. I saw his eyes light up when he conquered a task that moments ago had seemed impossible -- a few moments and a little conductive magic make a big difference when those moments are spent practicing and learning to apply nifty little CE tricks.
There have been a lot of people in the 'Enable Me' program that have been deemed too frail for personal training and who have instead received physiotherapy only instead of a combined approach -- there are a lot of people in the 'Enable Me' program that I would have been able to help if I had been given the chance to work with them. I got the contract with the 'Enable Me' program because of my work as a Conductor -- somebody whom I used to work with at the local cerebral palsy centre referred me and people involved with the program saw me working at the gym with people in wheelchairs. But I am contracted as a personal trainer, and what I bring to the table as a conductor is not fully understood or recognized, and therefore opportunities to help people as a conductor have been missed. At this point I do not believe that Conductive Education will even get a mention when the reports about the 'Enable Me' project are written up. I hope I can correct this but I am just not certain it will happen. I wish that when the contract was negotiated I had had the guts to stand up for Conductive Education instead of just being glad for the opportunity to take part.
Over and over and over again I hear people relate the advice they have been given by well meaning professionals -- 'you have CP / MS / PD / stroke / old age / whatever, there is nothing that can be done, accept it'. That is just not how we think in Conductive Education -- because I am a conductor I have a place to start and a unique bag of tricks and conductive magic, but more importantly I have a conductive attitude that makes me believe that there is always something that can be done, something that can be learned, that it is worth trying, so I do start, and start again, and try something new if one thing doesn't work. I'd like to think that I am the same when I am wearing my personal training hat -- and I know that if I am it is because that conductive attitude is so much a part of me now, or because no matter what role I'm in, I'm always wearing my conductor hat.
http://195.122.253.112/public/mp3/Beatles/14%20Let%20It%20Be/The%20Beatles%20-%20Let%20It%20Be%20-%2010%20The%20Long%20And%20Winding%20Road.mp3
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