Waxing physically and philosically...

After literally years of deliberation, and as a result of some delicate and some less delicate prodding, this blog is my effort to organize - to bring together - my thoughts about my work as a conductor and as a personal trainer, to rant and rave as necessary, to celebrate the little things and the larger moments of brilliance, and to share some conductive magic and life lessons gained through 'waxing physically and philosophically'.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

A letter to my personal trainer alter ego from my inner fat kid

I have been battling my little demons for the past several weeks; having ridiculous and self defeating conversations in my head, hashing through everything over and over again.  Avoiding mirrors, not feeling good in my clothes let alone my skin, not wanting to be at the gym, sabotaging my efforts to get back in the saddle.  I was home for a few weeks; I had mentally prepared for a few weeks of being out of my workout routine and made good on my commitment to myself and to my personal trainer about being sensible about food choices most of the time and having a few guilt free holiday indulgences.  I did not plan for a random shoulder injury and a few more weeks out of the gym when I got back here while I rehabbed, and I lost it a bit.  Food cravings creeping back in out of nowhere; week night sneaky drinks; cheat weekends instead of cheat meals.  A couple of kilos -- and no, not muscle gain; not gaining brain weight from added wisdom -- a percentage or three more body fat.  In the grand scheme of things no tsunami or war or sudden loss of a loved one I keep reminding myself but in my personal and private little hell it has been frustrating and devastating.

I usually have a darn tooting good attitude about myself as a personal trainer -- my clients see me go up and down and know that I'm human, and know that I understrand their struggle because from my personal experience I know how hard it is.  Been there, done that, bought the x-large t-shirt, worked hard and figured out what worked for me, traded it in for a med t-shirt, now take my hand, I can help you do the same.  In fact I have had many referrals through the gym from people asking after 'the not skinny trainer' -- and I have had good giggles with another trainer whom I work with who is a champion figure sculpter, we know our physiques attract clients to our business for very different reasons.  But when I am in a negative headspace, when my inner fat kid waddles to the surface of my conscious mind it all stops being funny.  Before I was a personal trainer I could go to the gym and throw around the weights to escape; put on my grumpy training face and my invisibility cloak and workout in the anonymous comfort of my little world.  As a trainer I can't be invisible; I can't even be grumpy.  And when I am indulging my inner fat kid I don't want to work out, feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, feel hypocritical working with my weight loss clients, see myself through the fat kid's warping mirrors and round and round we go on the merry-go-round of self destruction -- weeeeeeee.

I have finally backed my inner fat kid into a corner and am feeling considerably better;  life is back in perspective, I am eating well and training again -- heck I can even get through my affirmations and gratitudes without argument or interruption from that nasty fat kid in my head.  But DF said I should publish this because people will relate, and HH said I should finish writing it to help me get it out of my system -- both are wise women, both have battled themselves on many an occasion, and both will have to accept my edited version because some of the things that my inner fat kid was saying don't deserve to be published.

Fat Kid - Hey PT Lisa, can I talk to you, I'm having a rough time over here
PT Lisa - Oh no, not you again.  Hey don't you have a personal trainer?  Can't you talk to Chris about this?
Fat Kid - Yeah but I can't talk to him -- I'm too embarrassed; I'm sure he's already seen me all fat again and is already disappointed, and he'll just say let's get back into it and I can't train with him until I'm already back into it and I don't want to let him down...
PT Lisa - Hmmmm -- as I recall Chris is always supportive and amazing when you talk to him.  Can't you talk to Alexander?  I'm sure I heard him call you beautiful today, he'll make you feel better?
Fat Kid - He's just saying that to make me feel better and anyway I tried -- but I'm just making him crazy and besides he doesn't understand, he just has to look at a gym and he is perfect.  It's easy for him.
PT Lisa - Wow.  Not even Alexander eh?  I guess I can go through this with you for the millionth time.  Sighs.  Hang on a minute -- I'm going to need a strong coffee before I deal with you
Fat Kid - Skip the coffee -- let's go for beer or ice cream -- I know a good place.  I'm over this; I'm tired of fighting with myself, I'm tired of falling off the wagon and having to get back on, maybe I'll just give up the gym and the lifestyle and the personal training and open a gourmet ice-creamery
PT Lisa - That's not very helpful now, is it.  It's not really what you want, you are no longer at home when you are the Fat Kid -- it you were you would be happy and wouldn't be harassing me in the middle of the night.  And besides, you know you get sick when you eat ice cream these days.  What do you really want?
Fat Kid - I want to get to a point where a few weeks doesn't matter this much, where I don't fall off this badly and do this much damage, where the years of work don't get chucked in the bin by a few weeks of being off of my game.  I want it to be easy.
PT Lisa - You know it is simple, but will never be easy.  It will always come down to daily habits, daily choices, food and lifestyle.  It will always be a fight, a balancing act between lifestyle and indulgence, and sometimes indulgence will literally tip the scales and you will have to get the balance back.  It would be easier if you could keep your attitude in check...
Fat Kid - Hey! There's nothing wrong with my attitude! It's just not fair, that's all.  Why should I have  to 'fight to get the balance back' when other people can just cruise.
PT Lisa - Reality check.  Life's not fair.  And of all the unfair things life can deal, really Fat Kid, really?
Fat Kid - I know.  I know.  Reneg. That was pathetic, even for me.
PT Lisa - You know what will make you feel better?
Fat Kid - Yes. No.  Don't say it.  You are going to tell me to go to the gym or have a salad with flaxseed oil or something
PT Lisa - Wow.  You really are not ready to take this on -- maybe we should do this another time?
Fat Kid - Yeah sure, maybe next week or next month.  But you better give me your credit card cause by then I'll need to buy a closet of fat clothes and a few tubs of ice cream.
PT Lisa - Nothing wrong with your attitude at all -- carry on.  I'm out of here
Fat Kid -  No wait.  Sorry.  I'm listening.  What will make me feel better?
PT Lisa - Other than a workout and a salad with flaxseed oil?
Fat Kid - Ha ha!
PT Lisa - Get out of your head; give yourself a break from you for a few minutes or even a few days.  Do things that make you happy, relax, walk on the beach, laugh, have fun, lay off.  Stop being so nasty to yourself, be kind, be where you are, clear your head, and decide where you are going, gear yourself up and as HH said get the motivation and the headspace and the goal back in line.    Get back on the wagon.  And for heaven's sake stop busting Alexander's balls, and call Chris and ask for help.  Work on your affirmations, work on your headspace and the rest of you will follow.    
Fat Kid - (getting teary)
PT Lisa - But first crank this song, dance around like a lunatic, and for heaven's sake smile! (This is for all the bum chums and sisters out there)

"Don't write a check with your mouth that you can't cash with your ass"
Wise man from 'Sucker Punch'